Why Do I Feel Guilty?
Before we can start to understand the why behind the guilt, let抯 first define it. Guilt means that we believe that something we are doing is causing pain to someone else. It抯 activated by our behavior, thoughts, or feelings that we judge to be wrong or bad.
Normal parents are protective of their children. But what if your parents were overprotective? What if every time you played sports, rode your bike, or roughhoused with friends, your parent梐t best梑ecame disturbed and梐t worst梖rantic? 揥atch out, you抣l get hurt!?揧ou抣l break a leg!?and so on. Would you have interpreted that as interest in your well being, or rather, believed that you were hurting your parents by your sense of adventure and fun? Children who think that their actions are causing pain for their parents will feel guilt.
Let me be clear. I抦 not talking about a parent抯 normal range of caution and concern. I am talking about extreme caution and worry over small risks. But if you grew up always experiencing irrational guilt about worrying an overprotective parent, you抣l also experience guilt in response to risks as an adult. You抣l feel frustrated by your excessive sense of caution, but most likely you won抰 be aware of its cause, and so you抣l be unable to change.
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
1. You feel responsible for your parents?or siblings?misery, and guilty about pursuing your own goals. How you tried placating them, or atoning, in order to relieve your sense of guilt will explain some of your self-defeating life patterns.
2. You quietly developed self-hatred and resentment about having to inhibit a normal behavior or goal when your parent continuously behaved badly toward you. How did you respond to the resentment you felt?
3. You rebelled as a way of protesting. You hoped that they抎 get the message you were sending by your behavior and change for the better (that is, you became stubborn to protest against a parent who was too controlling in the hopes that he or she would get the message and be less controlling). Or, you rebelled to prove to yourself that you抮e your own person and you can抰 be manipulated. This type of defiant rebelliousness is responsible for many painful self-defeating behaviors.
4. Even though you promised yourself that when you grew up you抎 never behave the way your parents did with you, you notice that you抮e mimicking their worst qualities.
I want you to know why it抯 so hard to free ourselves of the behaviors we hate no matter how hard we try, no matter how much willpower we exert, no matter how much advice we receive from others. To understand why it is so hard, we抣l delve into why our childhood patterns continue on into our adult lives even though they are clearly negative patterns and we no longer are living with our parents. The negative effects of our family experiences remain hidden from our conscious mind, even though this information is critical to changing what we most dislike about ourselves. We抣l pin down this elusive awareness in this book and you抣l begin to make positive changes in your negative behaviors. Finally and amazingly, many people you抣l meet will tell you that they didn抰 experience major problems in their families and they aren抰 aware of any guilt feelings. And they抣l tell you this despite obvious, and serious, personal problems. Why? Let抯 see.
Exercise: Now Look at Yourself
Imagine that you could be reborn into your family today. Now imagine that you were born into your family with all the knowledge that you possess right now. Consider writing about the following:
?What would be different for you in your relationship with your mother?
?What would be different for you in your relationship with your father?
?What would be different for you in your relationship with your siblings?
Moving Ahead
Beginning the process of change means beginning a hunt for the causes of your problems that are lurking below the surface of any problem. In the next article, 揇o You Think You抮e in Control of Your Life?? we抣l start the hunt for your underlying causes.
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