Gay and Lesbian Online Dating - The Straight Community

In his 1990 essay "A matter of size" (not the classic gay porn video!), P. Giles highlighted the almost Fascist tendencies displayed within the gay community – to each other. Reading his essay I am left with the feeling that if you seek compassion and tolerance, you are best looking outside the LGBT community. We tend to belittle and deride overweight gay men and lesbians in the same way that anti-gay, right wing factions belittle us. Research has shown that gay men and lesbians differ from the straight community in terms of the emphasis we place on body image; both our own and others. No news there then. However this same research shows (depressingly) how much this extreme fixation on body image affects our own self-esteem. Apparently we make ten types of assumptions about another person based upon their physical appearance.



Including: how much they earn, how trustworthy they are, how intelligent and their overall morals! Naturally, this in turn affects how willing we are to engage in a conversation with that person, let alone embark on an intimate relationship. Of course, we know that just because someone dresses in a Manchester United strip does not necessarily mean that they are going to behave and think like Cristiano Ronaldo. Well, we know that rationally, but emotionally it does seem we tend to get drawn into some fantasy along those lines! Similarly, we attribute similar attributes of character to individuals based upon other physical appearances. Within the LGBT community, this is all underpinned by a set of ideal images and at the other end of the spectrum, attributes that are to be chastised.
It is clear from just spending 30 minutes in a bar or online that this tendency to idolise or chastise is much stronger within the LGBT community than in the straight community. So, what is the effect of this on us as a community? Well, ever since 1979 evidence has been presented to show that gay men in particular are less satisfied with their own body image than their straight counterparts. Yet, they are also more likely to criticise and judge others on their appearance. To compound this, having a negative self-image has a much bigger impact on self-esteem for a gay man than for a lesbian or straight man or woman. When asked what type of partner is ideal, gay men generally tend towards someone who is thinner than them. Whilst lesbians do show some of this tendency, it is less pronounced. Why should gay men show such a bias? It has been suggested that this is a combination of messages we pick up from society and an internalised homophobia.



In other words, we don't seem to like ourselves as much as straight men like themselves! As I mentioned, lesbians don't seem to have such extreme trouble with all this stuff. In fact research in 2004 showed that lesbians are slightly happier with their bodies than straight women. When asked to describe their physical ideal in a partner, lesbians were less anti-fat than were straight women and much less so than gay men. There is an interesting caveat to this: lesbians believe that other lesbians are looking for much thinner partners than they actually are! All of this suggests that we are as a community more fixated on image than the straight community. Whilst this may not be news, it is the effect that this has on our ability to engage in intimate relationships that concerns me. Painful preoccupation with our own image restricts our capacity to interact with potential partners. We need to remember that potential partners do not see what we see and they just don't make the same judgements! In the end, the more we fixate on our own and others' appearance and the more "anti-fat" we are, the lower our self esteem. In fact about a third of our self esteem is explained by these factors. I can't help concluding that if we could practice being less judgemental of our own and others' appearance and learn a little from our lesbian and straight friends we could boost our self esteem and the self-esteem of those around us. Go on; explore the Trueself, not the projected self!

Article by Dominic James, with thanks to Jason S. Wrench and Jennifer L. Knapp (Journal of Homosexuality, 2008)